Feeling much like an ant, my mind is flooded by thoughts I know I shouldn’t have. Even as I sit here and breathe life into these here words, I can’t help but feel guilty, guilty for not holding down the fort which is my faith.
I am consumed and filled with thoughts of you, not as you or as I have known you to be but as the bully that sits on an anthill with a magnifying glass gleaming in the sun. The bully that drowns in joy as you watch ‘us’ scatter and die at your hand. Having the power to change fate and turn the hands of time, I often wonder why then we are filled with rage and death roams freely as if it were invincible, as if Christ was never resurrected.
Are these thoughts really my own or have I claimed them from another troubled soul. The more I watch my fingers run amuck on this keyboard the more I become afraid of the secrets my mind has hid from me with time. Often I yearn for your touch but feel it not. I wonder if you can hear me or if you have simply deemed me unworthy.
I toil day and night for a life some have tossed in the garbage but still I toil. I search for a light I’ve heard of, that’s been seen by few if any. Could this be the doubt that’s stolen many a hearts or have I fallen off your bandwagon and gone rouge? Often I’ve heard an idle mind is the devils playground… frozen at the mere thought, my body shudders as my mind scrambles for cleaner thoughts…
I really ought to have known questioning you would lead me further off my path, and seal an even uglier fate. With you I’ve seen brighter days, and with you darker days still. Questions unanswered with a mind dazed over-sorte answers, I can’t help but feel guilty, guilty for not holding down the fort which is my faith.